Full Moon Streaming brings back the scream queens for “Trophy Heads”!

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After decades of bringing us the best of B-horror on V/H/S and DVD, legendary horror director Charles Band and his Full Moon Studios are now leading the way in this new era of high-speed distribution.

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Debuting Full Moon Streaming a few months back, the studio brings an extensive collection of classic horror and exploitation films readily available at the click of a mouse. Think of it as “Netflix for horror geeks”. Adding new titles and rewards often, this move into cyber-distribution is a great move that benefits the fans the most. In addition to the many titles available from the back-catalogue of classics, they have begun an original series for streaming as well.
Trophy Heads, which premiered last week on June 6th, tells the story of Max, a die-hard fan of the classic 80’s horror flicks and his dream of returning his favorite scream queens to their former glory.

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Max lives in the basement of his mother’s house and watches horror tapes in his underwear all day long (Don’t we all?). After being suddenly inspired along his new dark path, Max sets his sights on his first victim, Darcy DeMoss. Hunting her down and brutally removing her head in the opening of the first episode, Max finds that it is really hard to keep a good scream queen down. That’s right, just because her head is detached from her body, she doesn’t stop busting his balls.
Max explains that he is making what he considers to be “performance art”, rather than perfectly recreate scenes from the movies. His goal is to re-imagine them in his own twisted version of his own horrific production.

Armed with an electrified cattle-prod and the love of his supportive mother, Max sets out on his mission to insure that the starlets he is obsessed with are never forgotten. On his list are Darcy DeMoss (the first victim), Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, Denice Duff, and Jacqueline Lovell.
The premiere episode sets the show up perfectly, and the second episode (which premieres today June 11th) follows through with a vengeance as Max continues his work. Building a small prison in his basement apartment, Max takes Brinke (now a massage therapist) and a young topless girl (who seems to be there just to show us some quick wit and young boobies and I am not complaining) captive and throws them in the brig, before seeking out the one-and-only Linnea Quigley (who is now hilariously a door-to-door evangelist).
Slowly realizing the reality of the situation they find themselves in, the ladies are forced to watch the decapitation of their old friend Darcy, as they are dressed in costumes inspired by some of their old films.
The show is gloriously cheeseball and over-the-top, you know, just like those old films we know and love. It even makes some pretty damn clever commentary about the current state of rampant remakes and “artistic reinterpretations”.
The show is fun and funny, and well worth a look for any self-respecting horror fan.
I have seen the first three episodes now (PS legendary director Stuart Gordon shows up in the third episode!), and they are without a doubt a bloody good time.
Definitely recommended.
Sign up for Full Moon Streaming here, and take a look at the second episode which premieres today!
One last thing.
The generous folks at Full Moon Studios have a fantastic contest going on right now, intended to help spread the word about this original new program.
The rules and prizes can be seen here, and simply submit a selfie to this e-mail address submit@fullmoonfeatures.com and you are entered to win!
Good luck!

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Pilot review : From Dusk Till Dawn The Series

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During a recent chat about the seemingly unstoppable remake trend, a good friend of mine said, “This type of news doesn’t shock or upset me anymore. NOTHING is sacred. They are trying to turn out many untouchable classics like they’re just dirty old whores. It’s just a question of who chooses to do what and how well they pull it off.”
And she is right.
Now, calling the 1996 film “From Dusk Till Dawn” an untouchable classic may be a bit of a stretch for some of you, but to me that is what it is. I have some of the fondest memories of being 20 years old, on acid, experiencing that film for the first time alongside my best friend.
So, to me, this thing is untouchable. It was a unique and insane new take on the vampire legend, with some of my favorite performances from awesome people.
George Clooney, in my opinion, has never topped his role as Seth Gecko.
Tom Savini, Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, so much to love!
And who could forget the first time they saw Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium?

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But this is about the show, not the film.
And by now, after countless remakes we should be able to seperate the two.
I know that no one can take away the original, so what can we say about this new version?

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First off, the question of who is doing the remaking has a unique answer.
Robert Rodriguez himself (director of the original film and many other favorites like Sin City and Planet Terror) is leading the charge for this new version.
In fact, he has created his very own television network El Rey where the show can be seen exclusively. The channel shows some great overlooked Grindhouse films and oddball Spanish shows, and From Dusk Till Dawn looks to be it’s first big selling point.

Rodriguez is quoted as saying, “I want El Rey to be everybody. I want it to be very inclusive. Instead of going to Hollywood where the doors are closed, mine is going to be where the doors are open. I’m going to flip the pyramid of power around outwards, where people all have a say, because that’s what you want.

In fact, the prolific creator is credited as director in the pilot episode, although I think he hands of the reigns to someone else after this first one.
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When the show was first announced several months ago, I immediately thought it could have great potential to continue the story. After one sequel and prequel that were pretty much related only in name, it would be exciting to see what happened next.
After that great lingering final scene of the huge temple behind the bar showed us the vampires had likely been feeding here for decades, there was huge potential to expand the mythology of these creatures.
Also, I always wondered what happened to Juliette Lewis’ character after Seth left her there, alone in the middle of nowhere. It made sense for Clooney’s character, but always left that lingering question : What was she supposed to do next???
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It seems we will never know what happened to her, as it turns out the new show is not a continuation, but a re-imagining of the story.
The series premiered last night, and will continue for the next ten weeks on the El Rey network, and on Netflix Streaming outside of the United States.
My overall thoughts of the show was that it was hit and miss. Some things worked, some not so much. First of all, the casting is interesting and stronger than expected.
Don Johnson is excellent in an expanded role as Earl McGraw, originally played hypnotically by the great Michael Parks. A character who died before the opening credits even rolled in the film, McGraw is seen here having breakfast with his partner, chatting about life and estimating how many days he has left.
Zane Holtz, replacing Quentin Tarantino as Richard Gecko the dangerous psychopath, is somewhat of an upgrade. He drips with psychotic tension, and seems much more imposing and dangerous right off the bat. It also seems that they are alluding that he has some sort of psychic connection with the vampires, which I am guessing will come into play sooner rather than later.
D.J. Cotrona, reviving George Clooney’s unforgettable role as the bad-ass, level-headed Seth Gecko doesn’t fare quite as well in my opinion. He spends a great deal of time hiding in the bathroom on his cell-phone with Carlos (Cheech Marin replaced by the “foreign kid” from That 70s Show, say what?) trying to find an easy way out of their predicament.
In fact the entire first episode takes place in Benny’s World Of Liquor, which only constituted the opening scene of the film.
The fast pace of the original store scene served as a quick introduction to these ferocious criminals and their plight, but this new version expands it and changes a few things. It still hits the same beats, just hangs on a bit longer and changes the tone.
Since I know the film by heart, I could see every tweak and pick up on every nuance. Of course, some worked and some didn’t. In fact, when it felt the weakest and most forced was when they were replicating lines directly from the film without even a change.
The “Be Cool.” proclamation lost effect here, but some of the reworked dialogue actually felt more natural and insightful.
The most interesting twist and significant change to the storyline so far is the character of , Earl McGraw’s partner, who didn’t exist previously. He is outside waiting in the car as Earl fatefully drains his lizard, and by the end of the premiere his character becomes a prominent part of the revamped story.
Overall, it is an interesting concept with some great potential, and I can’t wait till we get to return to the Titty Twister and see what the show can offer that could possibly compare to the pure chaos of the original.
I look forward to seeing this series through to the end, and what else Robert Rodriguez will be bringing to this unique new television network.
So what did you guys think of the new show?
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Doomsday is coming. What are you going to wear?

A look back at the Dexter Series Finale!

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Well, if you’re a fan of the Showtime series Dexter, you know it’s all over. The series finale aired on Sunday September 22. Beware there are some spoilers ahead!

There has been much debate and controversy on the way the beloved series of everyone’s favorite serial killer, ended. Let’s take a minute and go over how season 8 went down.
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Debra Morgan has completely succumbed to her guilt becoming depressed for killing LaGuerta the shocking season finale before, and has literally gone off the deep end, quitting her job at Miami Metro and joining a private investigation firm. A new serial killer is on the loose that Miami Metro has nicknamed, “The Brain Surgeon,” due to the fact he uses a bone saw to cut through the victims skull and remove the same piece of the their brains. A psychopath expert has been called in to help with the case, Evelyn Vogel. Fast forward through the captivating ensuing drama for a few episodes, and we get a surprise and find out Dexter’s old flame from last season, Hannah is back in Miami! In a nut shell, we find out the “Brain Surgeon” (Oliver Saxon) is Vogel’s son, he ends up killing his mother in front of Dexter, Deb’s private investigation firm is hot on Hannah’s trail, Deb tries to kill Dexter (ultimately saving him anyways), she rejoins Miami Metro, and is also shot in a showdown with Oliver Saxon and Dexter plans on leaving Miami with Hannah and Harrison to Argentina.

OK. Now we are caught up with most of what season 8 has to offer. In the final episode, we see a culmination of this seasons events. A hurricane is about the hit the city of Miami. Dexter gets a phone call, against Deborah’s wishes, telling him she has been shot by Saxon and is in the hospital. Dexter was already getting ready to leave with Hannah and Harrison to Argentina, when Deb’s ex-boss from the private investigation firm, Jacob Elway, finds that Hannah is trying to leave the country and goes to the airport to intercept her. Dexter spots him first and causes a diversion by telling security he had left a suspicious bag and walked away. The airport went on lockdown, detained Elway, and the flight was delayed. Dexter goes to visit Deborah in the hospital and the doctor tells him the bullet bounced around a lot but she is optimistic in Deb’s recovery. Hurricane Laura is bearing down on Miami, and since the airport is a no-go now, Dexter feeling the need to take care of the Oliver situation himself for what he has done to Deborah and to a lesser extent, Vogel, sends Hannah and Harrison on a bus to Jacksonville and promises to meet up with them. Elway finds out through his contacts that Hannah is boarding the bus, and boards himself. He attempts to arrest her on the bus, but before the bus makes its next stop, she drugs him and she is able to get off the bus and gets away to South America with Harrison.

Before Dexter is able to track down Saxon, he finds out Deb has had complications and had an aneurysm and was put on life support. As Dexter arrives at the hospital, he watches as Battista arrests Saxon, before he was able to finish Deborah off. Dexter goes to Saxon’s cell to give him a forensic test and lures Saxon to attack him, which Dexter then grabs a pen and stabs him in the neck, killing him. After reviewing the footage from the prison cell camera, both Quinn and Battista decide Dexter was acting in self-defense and he is free to go.

With the hurricane nearing Miami in full force, Dexter once again goes to the hospital to find it in disarray, with patients being shuffled around due to the ensuing storm. He goes to Deb’s room and after some thoughtful and meaningful words, unplugs her life support and takes her body to his boat unnoticed. He heads out to the ocean where no one will notice, drops her body in, and watches as she slowly sinks into oblivion. Dexter then drives his boat right into the middle of the hurricane, supposedly killing himself. His body never surfaces, everyone assuming he is dead. Hannah, at a restaurant with Harrison, reads in a newspaper that he is presumed dead. As the screen goes black, we open with the final scene in an undisclosed location and see a man unloading tree logs in a mill, from his semi. The man goes to a secluded home, not talking to anyone, and sits down at his table. It is then that we find out that the man is a bearded scraggly, Dexter.
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Being a huge fan of the series since season 1 episode 1, I feel that the series ended nicely. I didn’t want to see the happy ending that some people were, but I didn’t necessarily want to see him caught or dead either. There were some very symbolic things happening in this last episode. Dexter knew that everyone he had ever loved or cared about ended up dead. He couldn’t do that to Hannah and especially Harrison. All he had ever wanted since a child was to be like everyone else and feel something like everyone else did. Once he did, he realized that he was disastrous in the lives of the people he had cared about so dearly. So his punishment for himself was seclusion. The hurricane he drove right into at the end, I felt reflected how he felt about his life. His life ended up being a hurricane out of control, causing destruction, with no end in sight. So rather than taking the easy way out, he decided he would rather seclude himself from everyone left that he loved, in order to keep them safe from him.

dexter-1280x768While many people felt betrayed by the ending, I felt it was a great way to tie it all up. So I pose a question, how would you have ended the series? And there is a lot of talk and rumors going around of a supposed spin off. Showtime and show executives have all been quoted as saying they would like to have the Dexter name live on in some form or another, although there have been no official talks between them of such things. Yet.
Would you like there to be some kind of spin off? If so, what would the spin off be based on? Would you like to see Michael C. Hall reprise his role as Dexter once again?

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Dracula is coming to NBC this Fall. Check out the trailer here!

dracula-nbc-bannerSynopsis :

Golden Globe winner Jonathan Rhys Meyers (“The Tudors”) stars in this provocative new drama as one of the world’s most iconic characters.

It’s the late 19th century, and the mysterious Dracula has arrived in London, posing as an American entrepreneur who wants to bring modern science to Victorian society. He’s especially interested in the new technology of electricity, which promises to brighten the night – useful for someone who avoids the sun. But he has another reason for his travels: he hopes to take revenge on those who cursed him with immortality centuries earlier. Everything seems to be going according to plan… until he becomes infatuated with a woman who appears to be a reincarnation of his dead wife.

From the producers of the critically acclaimed, Emmy Award-winning hit “Downton Abbey” comes “Dracula,” a twisted, sophisticated and sexy take on Bram Stoker’s classic novel, proving that some stories never die. One-hour drama.

Check out the trailer below :

Coming this Fall to keep your Friday nights dreamy.
Will you be watching this new take on the Dracula story?
Personally I think I will stick with the classics, but it definitely seems worth a look…

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“Zombieland” TV series being developed for Amazon Studios!

News is floating around the web today that Amazon Studios has ordered a television series based on everyone’s favorite 2009 undead flick, Zombieland!
Apparently this has been in the works for sometime, and makes sense considering that the film was initially pitched as a small-screen series.
Originally developed for CBS then Fox, Amazon Studios has jumped in and picked it up for development, in a move that further shows what we have to look forward to in the future.
Amazon Studios (as well as Netflix) is positioning itself to take over all media, and change the way films and TV are produced and distributed. With the announcement earlier this year that they hired the great Clive Barker to write and direct Zombies vs. Gladiators as their first feature, it seems that Amazon has the resources and insight to produce the things we fans want to see.
Think about it : if they can customize your order based on what you browse on their site, they have the chance to customize and reinvent how and what entertainment we see.

Reports say the show will follow the further adventures of Tallahassee, Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock in a weekly thirty minute format, as they encounter other groups of survivors and, of course, hordes of the undead.
At the time of this writing, a casting call is out, and it is unclear whether any of the original actors will reprise their roles for the series, but we can always hope!
What do you guys think about the potential for this upcoming series?
Log in and leave some comments!



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Hemlock Grove

After taking a short break from directing, in order to produce and act in a slew of other projects (and even designing a haunted night club in Vegas called the Goretorium), Eli Roth has finally made his return to the spot behind the camera that made him a star.
However, it is not a new film he is directing, but the pilot episode for the new original series for Netflix, called Hemlock Grove.

Based on the hit book by Brian McGreevy, the series will be available to watch streaming in it’s entirety on Netflix beginning April 19, 2013. Part of Netflix’s new strategy to take down television as we know it, the show stars Pheonix herself, Famke Janssen and Erik from True Blood’s little brother, Bill Skarsgard. The story revolves around the eccentric residents of a dilapidated former Pennsylvania steel town and the murder of 17-year-old Brooke Bluebell.  Through the investigation, the town’s seamier side is exposed, revealing that nothing is what it seems.

“‘Hemlock Grove’ is unlike anything else in its genre,” said Ted Sarandos, Chief Content Officer, Netflix. “It’s sexy, gripping, emotional and twisted, and we’re certain viewers are going to be captivated by its intensity.”
The novel, available here, has garnished some rave reviews that claim it to be a twisted reinvention of classic monster archetypes, wrapped up in a mysterious thriller.

The show definitely has my attention, and it will be interesting to see how the new line of Netflix original series stack up against the network giants.
That, and I would pretty much watch Famke Janssen in anything…

Eli Roth is the series executive producer, directed the pilot and the final two episodes. We will all be able to stream it, coming on April 19th 2013.
What do you guys think about this upcoming series?



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Stephen King’s Under The Dome comes to television!

CBS has announced that they are bringing Stephen King’s gigantic novel “Under The Dome” to your television this summer, with Steven Speilberg serving as an executive producer.

In case you never got around to reading it, the book follows the same basic premise as the Simpsons movie. It tells the story of a small New England town that’s suddenly and inexplicably sealed off from the rest of the world by an enormous transparent dome. The town’s residents need to survive the deteriorating post-apocalyptic conditions while searching for answers to what this barrier is, where it came from, and how to make it go away.

The series version was originally developed at Showtime. But in an unusual move, the ambitious project jumped from a cable network’s slate to the major broadcaster. It’s also a rather unique title for CBS, since the network has been traditionally more wary about betting on serialized dramas than its rivals. But with AMC’s The Walking Dead and NBC’s Revolution, apocalyptic serialized dramas have been delivering large numbers lately.

Fans of the novel shouldn’t expect an exact retelling of the same story.  Writer Brian K. Vaughan’s (Lost) script  is using the novel’s setup as a launch pad for its own TV-format-friendly version of the story and might even lay the groundwork for a different outcome than the novel’s ending. Also, the CBS version is definitely a series, not a mini-series, with a finale episode that will leave the story open for more seasons.

Although no cast is in place yet, CBS promises the show will be on your screen this summer. Looking forward to it!
What do you guys think?


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American Horror Story: Asylum

So we all have guilty pleasures, and I am actually proud to say that the “American Horror Story” series has become one of them. Season 2 premieres on  Wednesday, October 17 at 10PM and I am extremely excited for this season because it shows so much promise and a distinctly different story line from the first. As a small recap of season one, Ben, Vivien and their daughter Violet moved from Boston to Los Angeles when a restored mansion becomes available and the family falls in love with it. Unbeknownst to them though, the home still harbors it’s former inhabitants and guests who died. In addition to the house, they also gain a housekeeper named Moira O’Hara. Moira holds her own secrets as well, appearing attractive and young to men but old and weathered to women. Throw in next door neighbors Constance, Addie, and Tate, add a dash of the crazy former student Hayden, and mix in a gaggle of ghosts, and you have a crazy first season that was nominated for 17 Emmy awards.

So when you have such a successful season where almost all of the main characters are now dead, where do you go from there? Series creators Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy have decided that you don’t. They are taking an all new direction with “American Horror Story” and I think that you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not much is known about the new season, but we do know that some more familiar faces will come back. The setting is the 1960’s in an East Coast institution for the criminally insane, called Briarcliff Manor. Jessica Lange, who played Constance Langdon in Season 1, now plays Sister Jude. Zachary Quinto played Zack, one half of the couple who had previously owned the house in Season 1, now plays Dr. Thredson in Season 2 as well. There’s a ton of new faces as well, beginning with Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan, who play a newlywed couple affectionately known as “The Lovers“.

Click here to watch the first full length trailer for this amazing TV series. Check out their Facebook page and watch more teaser clips as well. I’m ready to be committed, are you?

 

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The Walking Dead : Books vs. TV

I have been a huge follower of the Walking Dead for years now, it was in fact the graphic series that brought me back into the world of modern comics. I have the whole series bagged and boarded in my mom’s garage in Florida right now (I hope). Despite a very irregular publishing schedule in the early days, my son and I always looked forward to new comic Wednesdays, hoping for the next chapter in the story of the Walking Dead.

I was such a fan, I even read the lengthy letter column every issue, interested that the writer Robert Kirkman took the time to thoughtfully (or humorously) answer every question posed him by his fans. He gives great insight into his ideas for the story in those responses, and I always found them intriguing.

This  article will refer only to season 1 of the show, since I haven’t yet seen the 2nd season, and really wasn’t too keen on it, until I read Kimmy Karnage’s excited review of the finale here http://horrorhomework.com/blog/?p=1396.

Ok, here we go!
5 reasons the Walking Dead TV series is inferior to the Walking Dead comic books :

1. Black and White.

Right off the bat, the first mistake they made was not presenting this in black-and-white. It would have been a bold move for a modern TV series, and could have been used to great effect, as it is in the books.

The artwork in the books is amazing, particularly in the first issues, drawn by Tony Moore. The black, white and grey help to set the tone, and give the book that great classic cinematic flair.

When Tony Moore moved on to write and draw his own great series Fear Agent, Charlie Adlard took over art duties with a distinctly different style that was still used to great effect without color. Adlard has drawn all the issues since #6, to my knowledge.

Black and white would have truly helped the atmosphere and starkness of this story on the screen as well. It is, after all, a defining feature of the source material.

2. The characters are all wrong.

One of the things Robert Kirkman said over and over again in those old letters columns was that the Walking Dead story was not about zombies, but about the characters, and the different ways they choose to react to the horrific situation they find themselves in.

If you aren’t even going to bother staying true to the characters that were well-written, why bother with the adaptation in the first place? Just call it something else, and poof! You have a new story. I mean the core idea of a zombie apocalypse is not exactly original, but the selling point is your original characters and situations in this frame-work.

Robert Kirkman knew this when he was writing the original books. In fact, he said from the beginning that his goal was to write a zombie story that didn’t have to end after 2 hours,  because he found he was always curious what happened to the characters after the credits rolled on Night Of The Living Dead.

So, Rick is pretty well done, but that is only because his character starts off as the do-gooder, generic hero archetype. He goes to very dark places in the books, which I am sure we will never see on network TV.

T-Dog? Um, is that seriously supposed to be Tyreese? No fucking way. Take one of the toughest characters ever written and turn him into background noise…
I will never understand the logic here.

Merle and Darryl, what is the point? Although it is always nice to see Michael Rooker chewing on scenery, that contrived scene of him being left handcuffed on the roof-top and having to saw off his own hand = snoozeville. Boring, lazy and just a stupid side-plot that was never even resolved that I know of.

 

3. Shane.

Which brings us to Shane. His character is completely wrong.
Not only does he look much less physically imposing, he hardly acts like the complex character he is meant to be.


Add to that the way they monkeyed with his story-line to keep some love triangle drama going on to entertain the soccer moms, and they have pretty much destroyed his excellent story arc from the books.
As I understand it, they finally killed him off in the second season, but his demise would have made a much more effective first season finale, but we will get to that later.

4. Vatos.

Out of the incredibly short six episode run, one episode in particular stood out as a complete waste of time. It was (I think) the fourth episode, entitled “Vatos”.
You might remember it as the “gangsters with a heart of gold” sub-plot, where all these tough gang-banging thugs were really just threatening to kill our heroes to protect a nursing home filled with elderly people. This episode was just irrelevant and insulting, and completely unbelievable.
I was actually really angry at this silly pointless waste of an hour.

5. The 1st Season Finale.

Here is the worst crime against the story.
A complete change of the plot and actual point of the source material. The focus in the final episode becomes the search for answers to why the zombie outbreak happened.

This is something that the writer Robert Kirkman was explicitly against when he created his series. He wrote around that, and made it his mission NOT to try and explain where the zombies came from, just how his creations deal with them. This is one of the most attractive things about the story, the fact that he leaves this ambiguous.

Because somethings just ARE.
Sometimes shit just happens, and no one knows why.
That is where the comic series is most effective, because it’s focus stays on it’s characters and their immediate survival, not on the larger universe. It is a common thing in horror fiction of today to over-explain everything, and the season finale of the Walking Dead went directly against every thought that created it to begin with.

Who is responsible?

I blame the director, Frank Darabont.
He has a history of fucking with the adaptations that he has done, and some of them have been very popular. His adaptation of the Shawshank Redemption is somehow everyone’s favorite movie, same goes with his version of the Green Mile.
He is a director that has proven to be bankable and trustworthy to the suits, and I think it is possible that he thinks he knows best. And the producers are probably letting him do his own thing, since it has proven to be a great success on cable.
Oh well, at least I still have the books to entertain me…
And to all of you fans of the show, do yourself a favor and pick up the paperback or hardcover collections for a much more satisfying experience.

Walking Dead graphic novels – Grade : A

Walking Dead AMC season 1 – Grade : C



The Walking Dead Season Finale

I’ve heard people say The Walking Dead is arguably the best show on TV right now; but I have to ask, what the fuck is there to argue about?? The competition isn’t exactly “stiff”; I’d say the flesh-eating cadavers bumble away with the title easily. I understand those that are committed to the comics are split on their opinions of the show, but having never opened a comic book in my life I salute AMC for producing the only show I’ll admit to watching in real time… commercial hell and all. (Speaking of which: Hey Kevin Smith—STOP IT.)

This season grew tiresome in a few spots. The hunt for Sophia, the ordeal with the prisoner—but both plotlines still managed to turn around and slap me in the snatch with their solutions. Oh, Sophia… the first time I ever cried during a show about zombies. Why couldn’t it have been Carl?!? That little turd needs a good zombie-chompin’, as do his parents. “I know we’re in the midst of the god damn apocalypse, but I think we should give our prepubescent son a loaded gun and then never account for his whereabouts. That’s a GREAT idea!” And that little shithead is the reason Dale died—which ALMOST made me cry for a second time this season. I’ve found that people who liked Dale didn’t like Shane and vice versa, but it’s all a moot point now since both became the proud recipients of mercy bullets through their brains.

But that’s the point, right? I mean, from Romero to Shaun of the Dead, not much changes from movie to movie, show to show, or book to book about zombies. Sometimes it’s a disease, other times a comet passed a little too close to Earth, but otherwise zombies are pretty much the same. They make guttural noises, stumble around like they’re traveling between a bar and the local Denny’s at 3:00 AM in a college town, and feed on human flesh. Sometimes just brains, but I guess those are like the vegans of zombieville. Damn snobs.  Anyway, what makes the story infectious is the survivors, and having people argue about Rick vs. Shane or Dale vs. Shane or Herschel vs. Shane just proves The Walking Dead is doing its job. (And that Shane was a douchebag.)

That being said, I hesitate to express my “issues” with the finale. Every time this show has made me roll my eyes in the past, it’s fully redeemed itself and more—usually in the same episode.  I’m sure they’ll address the concerns left behind by the Season 2 finale and blow my mind again in the fall. But until then, these things are flooding my RV’s engine:

Rick—a dick?? While he gained a tiny bit of respect from me this season by finally taking off that god awful cop uniform, he remained an annoying twatwaffle with a stupid wife and a dumb kid. However, from the beginning his character has been about doing the “right thing” and looking out for others, as well as Shatner-esque dramatic stares into nowhere until the camera finally pans away (without the Shatner sex appeal, unfortunately.) So why did he go all Kim Jong Il with his “This is NOT a democracy” crap when he could’ve just told the TRUTH– that Shane lured him out into the wilderness (which was a few hours walk but within sight of the farmhouse, another dar moment) to murder him, so he had to turn and kill his so-called best friend in self-defense? Hell of a time to pick to lie, dipshit. Now everyone hates you just as much as the viewers do. Good job, fuckface.

Second Season rules change? Speaking of Rick’s lying, I’m not sure if the scientist at the CDC actually told him that every human carried the “zombie virus” and that people who die of any cause would become flesh devouring monsters (all that really sticks with me from the first season was the horse scene), but even if I give the show the benefit of a doubt that this conversation did take place, how come the wannabe thugs that Rick, Glen, and Herschel gunned down in the bar didn’t come back to gnaw at them? They stayed holed up in that bar for possibly hours; Shane came back within minutes. I give this gaping plot hole a giant W T F ?

The zombie whisperer. I’m of course talking about the hooded figure with the armless pet zombies that came to Andrea’s rescue. Whaaaat? Those uppity comic book fans probably already know all about this guy/girl, but us lowly television viewers are wondering what the shit is this?!? Whoever the dickhead is, their introduction was… well, stupid. I didn’t see if the figure had two hands, but I’ve heard a couple different fans theorize that this could be Daryl’s brother, Merle, that was abandoned on a rooftop in Atlanta in the first season. If this turns out to be the case I will pitch poop at my TV. If you can leave a moronic redneck handcuffed to a zombie-infested rooftop in an inner city overrun by monsters, and he not only lives but manages to make those zombies his bitches AND shows up in the very place where his brother has become incredibly awesome without him… well, then how did every other idiot on Earth get pulled apart by these boorish beasts? If saving civilization was that fucking easy someone should’ve just called Dog the Bounty Hunter. Not to mention, if it is Merle, he appears to have grown a nice set of tits.

Your move, AMC…. and I can’t wait to see what you do.

Note: After writing this I checked into the new character (Yes I research AFTER I write, shut up) and the reason those who theorized Merle as the keeper of the undead are still alive is they have no brains to be eaten. But I kind of wish it was him now. Damn it.

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