“I searched forever for a memorable quote to start this article with, but couldn’t find a single one in this horrible, pointless film.”
- Larry Darling Jr, author of this article.
Any constant readers of this site over the past three years will recognize and hopefully appreciate the fact that I rarely post negative reviews. The way I look at all of this is simple: I love horror movies, even the bad ones. In certain cases, I especially love the bad ones. As a blogger, I tend to subscribe to the “Promote what you love rather than bash what you hate” point of view, and there is generally something positive to be found in every film if you look closely enough. Sometimes just the simple fact that someone got off their ass and created something is enough to give me some measure of enjoyment.
All that being said, I fucking hate Halloween : Resurrection.
If you have been following along at home, I have been counting down to Halloween 2014 by watching every single film and trying to build an interesting post about each one, thanks to the new Blu-ray collection released last month. And honestly, up to this point it has been a pretty enjoyable journey through the twisted, nonsensical, and often convoluted mythology the film-makers created over the years. The genuine chills of the original and clever execution of the first sequel ; the randomness of Part 3 ; the introduction of Danielle Harris as Jamie in part 4 and 5 ; even the critical overload of oddball ideas that made up part 6, each of these installments brought something interesting to the table. Culminating with the cathartic 20th anniversary of the original with H20, which brought the story of Laurie Strode vs. her murderous brother to a satisfying conclusion for fans of the series.
Is there a more fitting end to the decades-long saga than Laurie finally putting Michael Myers down once and for all, as we fade to black along with the desperate crooning of that guy from Creed? Well, possibly a better choice of song, but I digress…
After H20 hit big at the box office, work started immediately on the next film in the series, which was then referred to as Halloween : Homecoming. Continuing the film-making by committee way of doing things that had haunted the franchise for years, there were of course many disputes on the direction the series should take, especially after being ended so definitively in the last film. The Weinsteins suggested a completely new direction for the series, similar to the spectacular failure of part 3, but long time producer Moustapha Akkad would have none of that nonsense. Online polls and test screenings influenced this film heavily, as public opinion seemed of much greater importance than creativity. The script went through several writers and two directors were attached and dropped due to creative differences, before they finally settled on Halloween 2 director Rick Rosenthal, who should be ashamed of himself.
All of these spoons stirring the cauldron, and the best that they could come up with was this?
The film begins with what can only be described as a giant slap in the face to everything that came before it. We catch up with Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis filling out her contractual obligation of a cameo in the sequel), now catatonic in some low-level asylum. We quickly learn from two nurses during an expository walk down the hallway, that Laurie lost her mind after finding out that the man she decapitated during the emotional climax of the previous film was not Michael after all. He was an innocent security guard, and Michael had actually crushed the poor father of three’s larynx and switched costumes with him, playing the ultimate trick on everyone. Yeah.
So, essentially in the opening scenes of the new film, the idea is to piss all over everything that came before and insult the fan base that has been along for the ride for all these years. Whoever came up with that one deserves an award for being a huge asshole.
Within the first ten minutes, Michael shows up at the asylum and hacks his way through a few bumbling guards, chasing Laurie to the roof of the building. Little does he know she has cleverly assembled an Ewok-level trap which he steps right into for some fucking reason! She pushes a button and has him dangling in the air by one roped foot, but hesitates, and he turns the tables and stabs her and she falls to her death after a sisterly smooch on the lips.
To hear the people responsible for this travesty call it a satisfying conclusion to the story of Laurie Strode is just plain offensive. This is not satisfying in any way, rather incredibly lame, disappointing, and downright unforgivable. You know what was a satisfying conclusion to her story? The ending of H20, that’s what! Okay, let me take a breath.
While it is tempting to just turn the damn thing off right there, it would be a shame to miss the one good performance in the whole movie. The kid in the dorm room who bursts in to warn the new batch of victims that they are, well, victims all the while caressing their panties on a drying rack. He is the best thing about the whole movie. What the Cabin In The Woods crew would refer to as “The Harbinger”, this kid eats the scenery alive in his few seconds on screen, and leaves the rest of the actors in the film to try and catch up to his incredible performance.
Considering that after the appearance of The Harbinger there are still about 80 minutes of film to fill up, we get a bunch of half-baked ideas thrown into a blender with a cast of one-dimensional characters all tossed sloppily into a ridiculous and technologically-naive scenario.
Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks show up for some fucking reason (well, the honest reason is that the producers learned that the Halloween films tested well with African-American audiences thanks to LL Cool J, and rushed to populate this sequel with more brown faces) as producers of some stupid show with an even more ridiculous name — Dangertainment. Seriously.
They assemble a fresh-faced cast of hot-at-the-time young stars (because that was what made H20 successful, right?) and fit them all with cameras in the goal of producing the biggest new thing in the “internet universe”, whatever that is. These one-dimensional future victims are brought to the childhood home of Michael Myers, in order to broadcast the scary night to the whole world through the grossly misunderstood 2002 world wide web.
I don’t even know if the characters have names, other than Bitch, Slut, Black Guy, Dorky Guy, Smart Redhead, and Edgy Leather Jacket Guy. The dialogue is stiff, forced and unconvincing, and sounds like what old guys think teenagers sound like. The characters are vacant and uninteresting. At one point Slut (or Bitch I can’t remember) asks Black Guy if all he ever thinks about is food. He might as well just answer, “Yes, because that is the only characteristic that they wrote for me.”
Oh yeah, there is also a subplot concerning the geeky kid who has an online crush with one of the victims, and corresponds with her using some giant primitive internet text messaging device. Seriously, what the fuck is that thing supposed to be?
Anyway, unbeknownst to any of these moronic caricatures, Michael has returned to his home. Apparently he has given up on his life-long goal of ending his bloodline (which would have logically led to him stalking Laurie’s still-living son) and only wants to come home, only to find it populated with nubile young victims. Could they make it any easier for him?
As expected, he takes them out one by one in a style that is meant to recall the first film but is just plain boring as filmed, seen through POV camera angles and grainy footage on security screens. Michael meets his match, however, when he comes across the one and only Busta Rhymes, who then proceeds to spin kick Michael in the face (while making Bruce Lee style noises) and ultimately electrocutes him right in the balls.
Yup, Michael Myers got taken out once and for all by a loud-mouthed rapper, who even proceeds to insult the legendary killer after his death. Which, of course, is followed by a lame jump scare attempt in the morgue which lets us know that he is still alive…zzzz
Certainly the worst entry in the whole series, and it can even be blamed for the franchise becoming ripe for a complete overhaul, which then leads us to Rob Zombie’s remakes, only serving as another reason to hate this movie. A pointless, ignorant and offensive entry to the series, this one will be collecting dust on my shelf while the originals will certainly come out again and again.
As for the special features, there is a lot to slog through, but most of them consist of on-set interviews, in which the actors and crew are forced to speak politely about the piece of garbage they knew they were unleashing on the world. A few alternate (but just as bad) endings and deleted scenes round out the bonus material, along with featurettes talking about how innovative the head cameras were and blah blah blah.