A group of vampires are making a documentary film exposing all of their secrets to the masses. The film, known as What We Do In the Shadows, is currently screening at festivals around the world, and will get an official New Zealand theatrical release on June 19th. For those of you who can’t wait to see these real interviews with real vampires on the big screen, we were lucky enough to have a brief conversation with one of the creatures of the night, known as Vlad the Poker.
Keep up with details about the film, including a US release date on Facebook, Twitter, and instagram.
Horror Homework : So sorry for the delay, but I have been preoccupied with stupid human life. I asked several of our students of Horror Homework to contribute questions for you, and what follows are the most interesting ones. Thanks again for taking the time to respond thoughtfully, and of course, thank you for not ripping out our throats.
Vlad the Poker : My pleasure Larry and your wonderful students. I would never rip your throats! I would take the greatest of care with them and only leave the very slightest indentations.
HH : I’m interested in how different blood tastes…
VP : You too? Great!
HH : I mean, does the moral outlook of the donor make a difference? Do good or evil people taste better?
VP : You know, blood is blood to be honest. I’ve even had a few royals over the years and all I can say is “Don’t be believing of the hype!”. Sports-people used to be good but now I find the steroids make me temperamental.
HH : How about babies, surely they’ve gotta be tasty? What about menstrual blood?
VP : Babies are fine for a snack but aren’t that satisfying. Menstrual blood? You are so immature, how old are you? 180? If it were that easy then we’d never have to bite people! The real truth is, it’s an awkward thing to ask for.
HH : Can you eat regular food? If so, what?
VP : I’m afraid that human food makes me quite ill. It would be improper and ungentlemanly to go into any detail, suffice to say I would vomit torrents of regurgitated blood.
HH : Do you have any favorite vampire flicks? Are there any myths they perpetuate that annoy you? How do you feel about vampire’s representation in media (Anne Rice/Twilight/Underworld)?
VP : We watch vampire movies but have to have them edited first (depictions of crucifixes and cruelty towards vampires).
Queen of The Damned? More like Queen of The Damn This is Boring. Twilight? More like “Yeah right!”. Showing vampires sparkling in sunlight is just irresponsible. Who knows how many young vampires have burst into flames because of this dangerous misrepresentation of the effects of that cursed ball of flames.
HH : Do you go to the dentist? You must have to see one eventually. How do you handle this situation? Do you get cavities?
VP : I have a liquid diet with very low sugar.
HH : Are there any female vampires around? Just curious, as it seems to be a bit of a sausage-fest in the house.
VP : As you will see in the documentary film it is very difficult for a woman to become a vampire. The documentary does follow one woman in this struggle. Most vampires are very old (I am over 800 myself) and as such have very old-fashioned ideas about gender politics. Those women who have become vampires have worked very hard to get there.
HH : If you remove a stake that has just been driven into the heart of a vampire that’s just been killed, will they come back to life?
VP : Not with any of my friends. Sadly.
HH : Keeping with the stake theme – do vampires fear having a nasty accident with common household objects like a pencil, chopsticks, or a broom handle?
VP : Vampires have about same amount of fear when using a pencil as a human does as there is about an equal amount of chance that you might being using it upside-down when you suddenly fall on it and it ending up puncturing your heart.
HH : Is it true that a vampire cannot enter a home without first being invited by the rightful owner?
VP : Absolutely.
HH : What if there are two owners listed on the deed to the house/home instead of just one? Would both owners have to OK said invitation, or would the permission of just one owner be enough?
VP : Again, it is just like with humans. When someone invites you into the house you don’t wait on the door step for all the other people of the house to also invite you in. One is plenty.
HH : If it was possible and you had the chance, would you become human again?
VP : No way! Would you become a baby again?
HH : Thanks again for your time and patience, Vladislav.
VP : I have a lot of time so it is of little cost to me.