Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong (2011)

Evil_Bong_3_Unrated_230x322_poThe powers that be at HorrorHomework.com have forced me to sit through the third installment in the Evil Bong Trilogy of Turd-dom, and I just want to start by thanking them for this opportunity.

fuckoff

The premise of this movie (plot would be far too strong of a word), from what I gather, is Sling Blade murders his wife and then gets high from a smoking, moss-covered meteor and starts turning green. At least I think that’s what happened, I wasn’t really paying attention. It would explain the whole with French fried potaters fascination, though.

I reckon they're at least brothers, Mmmm hmmm.

I reckon they’re at least brothers, Mmmm hmmm.

The space rock is harboring a stowaway– a dickish little bong– which dude brings to a head shop run by Brett (Brian Lloyd) and Bachman (Mitch Eakins), two of our high-on heroes from the first two movies.

slingblade2

This was the face I made throughout most of this movie as well.

Soon our boys are joined by the other half of the dope fiend foursome—Larnell (John Patrick Jordan) and Alistair (Peter Stickles). While the role of Alistair is played by the third poor sap in as many movies, this time the script writers packed the plot bowl err hole by having Larnell mention how different he looked. Clever.

Umm, should we be seeing this?

Umm, should we be seeing this?

So the space bong is intent on taking over the Earth, by way of luring those that toke from it into its bong world and stealing their semen. Seems legit. Or, as Larnell states, “Bong’s being a total d-bag.”

bong2

Grandpa Cyril (Jacob Witkin) shows up reborn as Dr. Weed, and has some alien mime nurse with him that is never quite explained… which is fine, because no one cares.

gramps2

The bong takes a couple of prisoners, because after two movies these fucktards still haven’t figured out that they shouldn’t take rips from a bong that talks mean shit, and the remaining bumbling burnouts are tasked with saving the world. Again. <yawn>

Boys

Luckily Grandpa still possesses Eebee (voiced by Michelle Mais), the original evil bong that once killed everyone but now is easily controlled with just a little duct tape over her mouth, and the boys must rely on her to help destroy the latest piece of paranormal paraphernalia. They obviously only brought her in for star power, because, as she says, she “don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that fucker, ‘cept he’s an asshole.”

And seriously, what is it with bad alien movies and baseball bats? For fuck’s sake.

Swing away, numb nuts!

Swing away, numb nuts!

I think Grandpa Cyril says it best (as usual) when describing the joy at seeing these lovable characters resurface: “I enjoy my flare ups of my genital herpes more than I do seeing your insipid face(s) again!”

inthedumbbongHonestly I didn’t think it could get any worse than Evil Bong 2, but even the boobs were less impressive in the third putrid pile of poop. Low budget and shitty special effects aside (At least twice during the film comments are made about the bong looking like a “bad movie prop”, as if just making fun of something somehow makes it funny. Pffft), this was just a lazy effort all around. The flame from the lighter stands straight up when the guys are hitting the bong, perfectly symbolizing that no person or object will ever, ever be sucked into this film.

chchchchia

I can’t think of anything else to even say about this movie, which bills itself as a horror comedy and effectively achieves neither.

Dude, it's time for some serious manscaping.

Dude, it’s time for some serious manscaping.

GRADE: For an equally effortless ending line I’ll close with a line from Grandpa that summarizes this whole dumb franchise: “I think this thing stinks, like a sumo wrestler’s just taken a dump on a burning tire.” Indeed.

chicks

Final Note: While the sequels completely killed the joy I found in the first Evil Bong movie, at least I can find solace in the fact that I’m finally through with this series.

Fuck.



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