Shitty old Clown…
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of last week, the day we have anxiously awaited has been reborn. Continue on to see the nasty, noxious, nerve tingling, New Comic Book Day narratives that Wednesday has in store for us. Don’t miss any of these titillating tales of torturous terror in stores today! Holy fuck, I think my spidey sense is tingling.
Arcane Secrets #1
Arcane Secrets #1 Lovecraft for Kids! The Cthulhu Mythos for the whole family! Join Doctor Ment and his faithful companion Harry Callahan in the fight against ‘The Things That Go ‘Boo’ In The Night’! Many ancient artifacts of the Dread Xulu and other Elder Beings are lost, and if Ment and Callahan don’t retrieve them, the evil minions of the evilness will do it!
I think Amigo publishing’s synopsis sums it up pretty well. Those of you who have made the ill-informed decision to procreate (or had an oopsy) may want to provide an opportunity for your offspring to worship the Ancient One too. After all, it is never too early to accept the Dark God as your savior and prepare for the end of humanity. This one looks pretty cute. A good start for your budding comic book buff.
Last Zombie the End #4 (of 5)
The Last Zombie: The End #4 The final chapter continues! Now that Ian’s dark secret has finally been revealed, Warner and the rest of the team must decide what to do about it. But as they wrestle with his fate, a group of survivors in Kentucky have other plans-ones that might doom them all. It’s not just the dead who have a taste for blood.
This well executed book is another DeathClown favorite. This final chapter of Brian Keene’s “The Last Zombie” seems to be heading toward an earth shattering conclusion. Each issue leaves one with a burning hunger to find out what will happen next. In fact, I would recommend reading the series in it’s entirety. In this volume, the unique pencil sketch illustration of Chris Allen is magnificent in it’s simplicity. The zombies, missing for most of the series, have finally arrived. Although I am disappointing that this exemplary story is ending , I can not wait for the finale of this twenty five issue epic.
Extinction Parade #2
Extinction Parade #2 MAX BROOKS – author of the New York Times Best Selling novels, World War Z and The Zombie Survival Guide, brings a new vision of stark terror to comics with this innovative mega-series! Across the globe the alpha subdead vampire race has identified the battle lines. With their prey dwindling beneath the weight of zombie apocalypse, the bloodsuckers must decimate the ranks of the walking dead to ensure their survival. But the rolling plague hordes are like a tidal wave of destruction, wiping clean the earth beneath them and swelling their ranks to legion. Will even the superhuman ferocity of the vampire race be able to bring mankind back from the brink for their own nefarious purposes? Three species in mortal conflict. This is how a species dies.
In addition to being a typical zombie apocalypse tale, written by the author of “World War Z”, this story is seen through the eyes of a vampire. This has the effect of making the plot a little more interesting. Scornfully labeled as “sub dead” ,the zombies are little more than a joke to the ancient beings who have watched with amusement, many flare ups of this plague over the centuries. One of the most striking features of this book is the outstandingly detailed pencil and ink work of artist Raulo Caceres. Exclusion of coloration would not detract one bit from the intense beauty of this stunning graphic novel. Also, the zombies look fucking cool! The only negative comment I can make regarding this comic is the fact that it is published bi-monthly. DeathClown does not like to wait. It makes me break out in hives. In my swimsuit area. This is another great comic book brought to us by Avatar and definitely worth a read.
Fanboys Vs Zombies #17
Fanboys vs Zombies #17 Welcome to ‘4 Stories of the Apocalypse,’ a series of four standalone tales featuring fanfavorite characters from the FvZ Universe. First up: the phantasmic Drake Masterson teams up with original Wrecking Crew member JMac (or what’s left of him, anyway) to figure out what ‘unfinished business’ is keeping him on the Earthly plane. (Hint: it’s zombiekillin’!)
This comic has one of the most imbecilic titles I have ever had the misfortune to come across. I have hated this book since the moment I first laid eyes on it. As I glanced at the first page, I just knew I was going to write the most scathing review ever. Damn it, Fanboys vs Zombies, why did you have to ruin my conviviality? Disappointingly, I managed to be entertained by this book. The artwork is colorful and reminds me of the Saturday morning animated cartoons of my youth. The comedic elements mesh flawlessly with the dramatic undertones in this nicely written story. Even while fighting for their very survival, the characters still seem to get into wacky situations. The silliness of this comic is perfect for those who are bored with the stale, generic, mass-produced zombie stories that have become commonplace in the horror market. Once I got over the offensive term “fanboy”, I found myself laughing as this tale pokes a lot of fun at comic book nerds and con goers. This is a fantastic addition to anyone’s zombie comics collection.
Angel and Faith #25
Angel and Faith #25 Millions of lives hang in the balance, and Angel and Faith just might be on the losing end of this battle. It’s times like these that call for drastic measures . . . How far will they go to save the world? Lives are lost, heroes are born, and as one chapter ends, another begins.
Yet again I found in myself caught in the grip of an uncontrollable urge to hate. It has been said that it is not wise to not judge a book by it’s cover. This is no exception. I must shamefully confess that I was a regular viewer of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” in the 1990’s. And though I found Sara Michell Geller to be a poor substitute for Christy Swanson, something about this show did capture my interest. This book is much the same. As a direct continuation of the show it follows the vampire Angel and a different slayer called Faith. Although a slight deviation from the original plot line, this story retains the spirit of the program and really seems to work well in graphic novel form. The artwork is not masterpiece quality but does not fall below my standards. The script is where this comic really shines through with an excellent plot and amazing dialogue. If you want to flash back to the days of yore, or are merely interested in ancient history this is a superb place to start.
Itty Bitty Hellboy #1
Itty Bitty Hellboy #1 A ghost named Rasputin has been spotted! And Hellboy and the B.P.R.D. are going to find out what he’s up to. Who is Hellboy anyway? Why does he have such a big hand and what is it used for? Who’s weirder, him or his friends? What is the B.P.R.D.? And what does chicken soup have to do with all of it? This and more answered in the debut issue, where BIG things happen to itty bitty Hellboy!
I don’t often mention children’s comics in this column (with the exception of this week) but I think Hellboy fans will really appreciate this charming title.
As this is a first issue, I haven’t had a chance to read any back issues, but this looks like a perfect way to introduce your little clowns to comic books and a bit of fun horror. Information on this book is exiguous, but I have included a short preview. I find it to be reminiscent of the 1960’s Little Lulu and Casper comics I used to find tucked away in Granny’s closet as a little boy.
What to expect…
Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files Ghoul Goblin #6
The Dresden Files: Ghoul Goblin #6 Harry Dresden has traveled to rural Boone Mill to smoke out the Nevernever refugees responsible for the murders of two siblings. Unfortunately, the quiet little town has proven to be treacherous, with multiple supernatural predators laying claim to hunting territory and seemingly innocent townsfolk hiding terrible secrets. Dresden has made the cursed Talbots’ salvation his own personal crusade – but a bloodline can’t be cleansed without a blood sacrifice!
This latest volume in the Dresden Files series is a darkly written continuation of wizard for hire Harry Dresden’s exploits. Unfortunately, I did not have enough time to read any previous chapters of this excellent book. I did, however, manage to leaf through the first five issues of Ghoul Goblin. This is a gothic mystery with a compelling story and well written characters. I did at some times feel as if I was reading a piece of grown up Harry Potter, P.I. noir pulp fiction. A few times I indulged myself in an ironic chuckle. All said, this a solid book and excellent for fans of the occult.
Vampirella #33 On the island of Cote de Soleil, an old, dead evil has returned to reclaim long-lost power…and that’s not the only sinister thing slithering around. Transformation is the name of the game when Vampirella and voodoo have a rumble in the jungle!
I am not sure who exactly is buying this ridiculous excuse for a horror book. Whoever they are, I wish upon them the worst plague since Yahweh smote Egypt. Flies, boils, locusts, the whole nine yards. The same goes for the publisher of this truly awful comic, Dynamite Entertainment. Boring illustration added to a tedious plot make this unexceptional comic a pure waste of paper and ink (poor trees!) What this book really needs is a complete overhaul. With new writers, new artists, and a new story, this could be a marvelous comic and a joy to read. For now, just continue using it to spank the dog when he shits on the rug. He’ll stop. I promise.
This vampire can suck my balls.
Godzilla Rulers of the Earth #3
Godzilla: Rulers of Earth #3 San Diego has become the latest victim of a monstrous invasion from the sea. With Godzilla recovering from his last destructive battle it’s up to a familiar face to fight off the mysterious Destoroyah swarm!
I have spent many happy hours in front of the PS2 kicking ass on monsters as Godzilla with DeathClown jr. Over time, I have come to love This King of the Monsters, originally known as “Gojira”. In issue two, 1954’s Godzilla battles 1998’s Zilla inflicting mayhem and destruction on the city of Honolulu. Smashing skyscrapers and blasting forth his atomic fire breath, old Godzilla performs a humiliating beat down on the pussy new Godzilla. Issue three promises to add even more mega-creatures to the mix. I have never been a fan of giant monster comics or movies, but this classic is difficult not to appreciate. This is much better and more entertaining way to spend the afternoon as than watching dumb old “Cloverfield”. On an unrelated note, I have heard rumors of 2014 bringing us a new movie entitled “Godzilla” starring Seinfeld dentist and pro-dentite activist, Bryan Cranston. Sweet.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Volume 1
My Pony: Friendship is Magic #1 The trials and tribulations of Big Mac continue! His epic journey continues, as Big Mac must come face to face with some of the most unique citizens of Ponyville. DRAMA! REVELATIONS! DANCING! This one’s got it all! (shudder)
Fred Krueger has ceased stalking me during the hours of my fitful slumber. These true “night mares” now cause me to awake trembling and perspiring with terror from my peaceful somnolence. Truly the most horrific denizens of hell, the Ponies’ mission is to corrupt the souls of our children using their fascist propaganda disguised cleverly as “love” and “friendship”. Reading this vile publication by IDW induces a trance like state rendering little ones helpless and highly suggestible. The Ponies do the rest, leaving kiddies mindless husks inducted into an almost manson-like cult. In the mature mind, the perusal of this ancient and terrible equine Necronomicon causes instant insanity, compelling one to drive to the comic book store to purchase issue after issue of this satanic bible for young cult members. Struggle with all your might to break the demonic chains binding your psyche. Burn every issue in the house, summon the Warrens to perform a cleansing of your residence, and send your children to be deprogrammed by a professional. Heed my advice, your very soul is at stake.
Flee in terror.
Thumbprint #3 The list of suspects swells as Mal comes to terms with her past sins. Someone in her life is looking for revenge, and they’re determined to get it. Find out who, in the chilling conclusion of Joe Hill’s Thumbprint.
A term frequently used but little understood is PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder. It often affects victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence but is mostly associated with our veterans who have seen and committed atrocities that are permanently burned into their brains. This is one such story. The protagonist in this story battles nightmares and hallucinations stemming from her service in Afghanistan. Mallory Grennan’s paranoia is exacerbated when she starts receiving familiar but not quite recognizable thumbprints. Placed by an unknown stalker, she starts discovering these troubling images everywhere including her home and place of employment. This will be the third of three books detailing the disruption of her new life. It seems to me that this short series is coming to an abrupt end, but I am anxious to read the conclusion of this gripping tale.
Normally it is rare to find two or more horror comics written exclusively for children in the same month. I have included these because I find it refreshing. As a kid, I grew up reading books like “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” right along with my Spiderman and Incredible Hulk. It never occurred to me that I could get both my fixes combined into one. I loved the creepy illustrations in both “Scary Stories” and Shel Silverstien’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends”. My point is, that we have here, an opportunity to inspire a whole new generation of comic book and horror lovers. With video games destroying the imaginations of millions of children across the country, don’t we owe them at least the chance to do something other than to stare mindlessly at a screen (yes, I appreciate the irony of internet columns and my own computer addiction) and develop carpal tunnel? Ranting aside, I feel there are some very solid books out this week. To those young people lucky enough to retain their freedom, remember to use a condom even if you happen to be drunk or/and high. Duct tape one to your nipple or something.