Devil Seed (2012)

For having one of the most basic horror movie premises ever, this putrid picture turned out to be a fickle little shit when it came to picking a title. While I saw it dubbed Devil Seed, according to the title was changed to The Devil in Me. I also stumbled across a cover for the film labeled The Darkness, which is the title supporting actress Shantelle Canzanese cites on her online resume. (Why she’d admit to being in it at all, I’m still unsure.) Change the name all you want, assholes; it’s as effective a marketing ploy as putting lipstick on a turd… or however that saying goes.

Hey, uh, does Alex live here?

The premise: College girls get drunk, stumble into a weird fortune teller, and one of them gets possessed by a demon that rapes and impregnates her. Honestly, who didn’t have to deal with that shit their sophomore year?

Note: That’s the fortune teller, not the demon.

So strange crap starts happening to the possessed Alex (Michelle Argyris), though sadly none of which included being infused with any real acting ability.

Perhaps the most profound moment of this movie came during the library scene, where our possessed protagonist, desperate for answers, dramatically types “demons” into a Google search bar. While words and pictures swirl around her big dumb head, the most terrifying thing possible happens—a black guy walks into the library and sits by her. Scary!

The only saving grace of this movie is Bree (Vanessa Broze), the bitchy, big-tittied roommate who is screwing Alex’s boyfriend since Alex won’t.

How Alex can resist the geeky piece of man meat that is Brian (Kevin Jake Walker) is beyond me, but it plays right into the devil’s dick because he requires a virgin to implant with his seed. I would’ve figured Satan would go for the sluts, but I guess his desire for an unpopped cherry is why it took thirty years for him to find a qualified baby mama. After all, as the great Dr. Dre once said, “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”

Sooooo dreamy.

Alex did have ONE shining moment of awesomeness, though. What better way is there to say, “I know you’re sleeping with my man,” than speaking in tongues, pissing on the floor, and then licking it up? Classic. I know Bree learned her lesson.

I learned a few things from this movie as well. First, if you’re hearing strange noises and the TV turns on by itself and the front door keeps flying open, just close the window in the upstairs bedroom; that should take care of it. Also, if you keep the front door wide open at all times you won’t have to worry about it flying open, which is something these chicks obviously picked up on immediately because they were obviously RAISED IN A GODDAMN BARN. Next, if you’re running from a possessed roommate, rush into the street and embrace a stranger; that can’t possibly end badly. And most importantly, your best defense against evil is always a clear shower curtain.

Now is the part of the review where I award the Poopy Proclamation Prize for the best quote of the film. It was difficult this time around, as the majority of the dialogue of this crapfest consisted of assorted whiny variations of, “What’s happening to me?” and, “Are you okay?” While it was hard to sift through what was left to find anything worth repeating, I ended up going with my favorite part of the exorcism scene. (I didn’t bother describing that anticlimactic act here, because if you’ve seen one botched exorcism you’ve seen ‘em all, amirite?) Anyway, the following exchange basically sums up the whole movie:

Priest: “We call upon our Guardian Angel-“

Alex: “Blah, blah, blah.”

GRADE: Double D, like Bree’s impressive bust.

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