6 Degrees of Hell (2012)

I know what you’re thinking: a horror movie starring Corey Feldman? How could this POSSIBLY turn out turdy? I mean, he was in The Lost Boys and The Goonies! Sure, those were 26 and 28 years ago respectively, but the advert for this modern B movie still blurbs that bullshit as though it will lure in hordes of hungry-for-Feldman fans.

Awwww… He MUST still be cool.

I rest my case.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, 6 Degrees of Hell. I must say I was incredibly disappointed to see only ONE Corey in the credits. A horror movie would’ve been the PERFECT vehicle for the bloated corpse of Corey Haim to make a cameo for the Coreyunion we all forgot we’re craving. (Don’t you dare say it’s too soon; the Coreys’ careers have definitely been dead for far longer than the statute of limitations on cracking cadaver jokes.)

While I might have an unnatural love for all things Corey, I’m apparently not the only one. He was obviously cast in this crapfest for his name only. In 6 Degrees of Hell Mr. Feldman’s character, Kyle Brenner, certainly served no real purpose—much like Corey himself as a human being.

Other than looking fly as hell.

The film’s actual “story,” if that’s what you want to call it, is being told to Brenner- a paranormal investigator- by a police deputy that must have been psychic himself because he only appeared in about three scenes.

The synopsis: <takes deep breath> So there’s this Halloween attraction called the Hotel of Horror, which was of course built on top of some evil something or other and is full of real-life evil shit, and there’s this group of people that all have some sort of sordid connection to the place and/or the shit inside and it’s all a front by the devil, who possesses people to get to this chick June (Nicole Cinaglia), who’s some sort of psychic but admits she shouldn’t be telling fortunes when she’s been drinking, so she goes skinny dipping while the chick she just predicted a violent death for is left alone to (can you guess??) violently die, so she hooks up with and gets knocked up by the dead chick’s boyfriend in the most boring sex scene in the history of sex scenes, and I’ve suffered through Amish porn.  (On that note, NEVER eat freshly-churned butter; you do NOT want to know what goes into those barrels.)

Uncle Jack (Brian Gallagher) is the proprietor of the haunted hotel, and other than rocking a pink shirt and saying cool shit like, “I pretty much just dry humped that thing up three flights of stairs and I didn’t see shit,” in reference to a haunted statue is a pretty unremarkable character. Then there’s Kellen (Joe Raffa), the Dick Cheney of zombie hunting– it’s all fun and games until you accidentally shoot your buddy in the neck. And we can’t forget the paranormal investigator that ISN’T Corey Feldman, and is actually involved in the movie. Erik Sanborn (Kyle Patrick Brennan) has the unique psychic ability to watch his sister being violently fucked to death and then talk to the cops about his hokey reality show two minutes later.

We’re told by someone (I don’t remember who; honestly by this point in the movie I had polished off most of a gallon of wine) that we all stand with “only six degrees of separation from hell,” which I was devastated to learn had NOTHING to do with Kevin Bacon.

Although those who have seen Hollow Man might beg to differ.

As anyone who watched the first three minutes of this turd could guess, the movie closes with some shit going down in the haunted house.

However, in an unexpected twist [SPOILER ALERT] Feldman, in quite possibly the most useless role of his life (although with his resume that statement might be a little bold), actually gets his ass out of his chair before the closing credits grant us a courtesy flush on this pile of shit.

Today’s Poopy Proclamation Prize, which is sure to be the only award this film will ever see, HAS to go to our purposeless “super-celeb” Corey’s opening line, because it was all downhill from there: “We all make our own hell, chief.”

GRADE: Pffffft. Corey doesn’t care about grades. He’s too cool for school, bitches.

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