Troll 2 (1990)

Before we soldier through dissecting the droppings of another wretched insult to the art of cinema, I want to first apologize for the excessive amount of time since my last post. Watching these turd tales is no easy task. In fact, after watching only half of the subject of this review I had to take a month off to fill myself with enough booze and laxatives to purge this putrid movie from my memory. Most bad movies at least have something mildly humorous or endearing about them; Troll 2 is a horrible, nauseating, torturous turd of an exception.

If you make it through the MGM lion growling during the opening credits, take comfort in knowing you’ve already endured the scariest part of this poopy picture. While I have not seen the first Troll movie, if the sequel is any indication of how it went then I’m pretty sure the original consisted of a meth-fueled orgy between the Ewoks and Danny Devito to give birth to these obnoxious, yet oddly adorable little monstrosities.

The plot— a family trades homes with hillbilly strangers in what is supposedly a perfectly normal vacation plan. They go to a town called Nilbog, which is apparently clever because it’s “goblin” spelled backwards. Now I’m no Dungeons & Dragons expert, but I thought goblins and trolls were two different fictional beings?? I apologize to all the Middle Earth enthusiasts out there if I’m wrong, but in my defense–I’ve had sex.

I’d apologize for my digression, but honestly discussing diarrhea would be more entertaining that this shit flick. A poop pun would be too generous to describe the acting in this movie. The mom (Margo Prey) had a constant deer-in-headlights look, even before they were in danger. The horny teen daughter’s random mirror dance in her Garfield shirt was by far Connie Young’s best scene. And the main character, little Joshua (Michael Stephenson)—well, I’m pretty sure the goblins may have just been those rude little Mucinex monsters that morphed to life in his cavernous nasal passages.

Everyone in Nilbog has matching melanomas shaped like clover leaves, and all the food has a green glaze all over it… but that doesn’t bother anyone but Joshua. In order to save his family from digesting the semeny slime he stands up and pisses all over the dinner table, earning him a few cool points and forcing from dad (George Hardy) the runner-up for the Quote of the Movie award: “You can’t piss on hospitality!”

But the real problem here isn’t the monsters trying to eat them. No, it’s that sister’s horned-up boyfriend (Jason Wright) can’t seem to choose between her or his friends! Oh em GEE! Luckily for everyone, all his friends die after ingesting the green jizz, causing them to mutate into plants and become troll food. At least one problem in this shitshow was easily solved! As for the abominable acting—sadly, that issue went ignored.

Then there’s the crazy neighbor witch lady (Deborah Reed) who specializes in making snarky faces into the camera. However, when the family avoids all the goblitrolls traps and she morphs into sexy librarian mode you just know shit’s about to get real.

The only aid to Joshua and his giant nostrils is his dead Grandpa (Robert Ormsby), who randomly appears in mirrors and at his bedside and warns him that goblins are trying to eat him and his family. Naturally this comforts the little boy, and when they need Grandpa’s help the most the family holds a séance to try to reach the fear-mongering patriarch. I was hoping the movie would redeem itself here with an impromptu performance of “Day O,” but as at every other turn in this flick I was dreadfully disappointed.

I’ll be honest here; I turned my attention to playing Angry Birds during the conclusion of this movie. The ill-tempered, tree-dwelling torpedoes were far more entertaining (and more realistic) than anything going on in the ass grenade being played out on my television. I do think, however, that the goblitrolls were grossly misunderstood. I mean, they lived strictly on a plant diet (mainly humans turned into plants, but whatever), had large anti-meat propaganda-pushing rallies, and turned into shrieking, preachy little pissants when someone ate meat in front of them– are we sure they weren’t just uppity vegans? An annoying creature, sure; but not exactly dangerous.

Anyway, despite its shittiness there are a few things to be learned from Troll 2: never eat  fruit or vegetables, if the house you’re staying in is haunted just switch bedrooms and you’ll be fine, if a movie is accepted worldwide as being the worst movie ever you don’t have to watch it just to make sure, and for God’s sake DON’T EAT THE GREEN JIZZ.

Now for the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for (the end), the winner of the Poopy Proclamation Prize!!! It goes to the dimwit boyfriend Elliot who, when surrounded by a room full of angry goblins, utters the magical phrase, “Please, let’s talk! We’re all humans here!”

Grade: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

For more from Kimmy Karnage, check out previous editions of Turds Of Terror, and even take a look at the story she published in the multi-genre collection, crappy shorts: deuces wild.

205627_Streaming made simple.
Movie Poster Shop

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Post navigation

Comments

  1. Title…

    […]we like to honor several other online web pages on the web, even though they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Underneath are some webpages worth checking out[…]…

  2. Title…

    […]we like to honor numerous other world-wide-web websites around the internet, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Underneath are some webpages really worth checking out[…]…

  3. Title…

    […]check beneath, are some completely unrelated sites to ours, on the other hand, they may be most trustworthy sources that we use[…]…

  4. Title…

    […]we like to honor quite a few other net web sites around the net, even though they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Below are some webpages really worth checking out[…]…

  5. Title…

    […]we prefer to honor a lot of other web sites on the internet, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Underneath are some webpages worth checking out[…]…

  6. Title…

    […]that would be the finish of this post. Here you will discover some web-sites that we assume you’ll enjoy, just click the links over[…]…

  7. Title…

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated information, nevertheless seriously worth taking a search, whoa did a single learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]…

  8. Title…

    […]that may be the end of this write-up. Right here you’ll uncover some internet sites that we feel you will enjoy, just click the links over[…]…

  9. Title…

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine several unrelated information, nonetheless genuinely really worth taking a search, whoa did a single discover about Mid East has got more problerms also […]…

  10. Title…

    […]although web-sites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we really feel they are in fact worth a go as a result of, so possess a look[…]…

  11. Title…

    […]that would be the end of this post. Right here you’ll come across some websites that we think you will enjoy, just click the hyperlinks over[…]…

  12. Title…

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine some unrelated information, nevertheless seriously really worth taking a search, whoa did one particular master about Mid East has got much more problerms too […]…

  13. Title…

    […]we prefer to honor lots of other net web pages on the net, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Below are some webpages really worth checking out[…]…

  14. Title…

    […]check below, are some absolutely unrelated sites to ours, even so, they’re most trustworthy sources that we use[…]…

  15. Title…

    […]although sites we backlink to beneath are considerably not associated to ours, we feel they may be basically really worth a go as a result of, so possess a look[…]…

  16. Title…

    […]check below, are some totally unrelated internet sites to ours, even so, they are most trustworthy sources that we use[…]…

  17. Title…

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a handful of unrelated information, nonetheless genuinely really worth taking a search, whoa did one particular discover about Mid East has got much more problerms at the same time […]…

  18. Title…

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine some unrelated information, nonetheless seriously really worth taking a appear, whoa did one discover about Mid East has got more problerms at the same time […]…