The plot— a family trades homes with hillbilly strangers in what is supposedly a perfectly normal vacation plan. They go to a town called Nilbog, which is apparently clever because it’s “goblin” spelled backwards. Now I’m no Dungeons & Dragons expert, but I thought goblins and trolls were two different fictional beings?? I apologize to all the Middle Earth enthusiasts out there if I’m wrong, but in my defense–I’ve had sex.
I’d apologize for my digression, but honestly discussing diarrhea would be more entertaining that this shit flick. A poop pun would be too generous to describe the acting in this movie. The mom (Margo Prey) had a constant deer-in-headlights look, even before they were in danger. The horny teen daughter’s random mirror dance in her Garfield shirt was by far Connie Young’s best scene. And the main character, little Joshua (Michael Stephenson)—well, I’m pretty sure the goblins may have just been those rude little Mucinex monsters that morphed to life in his cavernous nasal passages.
Everyone in Nilbog has matching melanomas shaped like clover leaves, and all the food has a green glaze all over it… but that doesn’t bother anyone but Joshua. In order to save his family from digesting the semeny slime he stands up and pisses all over the dinner table, earning him a few cool points and forcing from dad (George Hardy) the runner-up for the Quote of the Movie award: “You can’t piss on hospitality!”
But the real problem here isn’t the monsters trying to eat them. No, it’s that sister’s horned-up boyfriend (Jason Wright) can’t seem to choose between her or his friends! Oh em GEE! Luckily for everyone, all his friends die after ingesting the green jizz, causing them to mutate into plants and become troll food. At least one problem in this shitshow was easily solved! As for the abominable acting—sadly, that issue went ignored.
Then there’s the crazy neighbor witch lady (Deborah Reed) who specializes in making snarky faces into the camera. However, when the family avoids all the goblitrolls traps and she morphs into sexy librarian mode you just know shit’s about to get real.
The only aid to Joshua and his giant nostrils is his dead Grandpa (Robert Ormsby), who randomly appears in mirrors and at his bedside and warns him that goblins are trying to eat him and his family. Naturally this comforts the little boy, and when they need Grandpa’s help the most the family holds a séance to try to reach the fear-mongering patriarch. I was hoping the movie would redeem itself here with an impromptu performance of “Day O,” but as at every other turn in this flick I was dreadfully disappointed.
I’ll be honest here; I turned my attention to playing Angry Birds during the conclusion of this movie. The ill-tempered, tree-dwelling torpedoes were far more entertaining (and more realistic) than anything going on in the ass grenade being played out on my television. I do think, however, that the goblitrolls were grossly misunderstood. I mean, they lived strictly on a plant diet (mainly humans turned into plants, but whatever), had large anti-meat propaganda-pushing rallies, and turned into shrieking, preachy little pissants when someone ate meat in front of them– are we sure they weren’t just uppity vegans? An annoying creature, sure; but not exactly dangerous.
Anyway, despite its shittiness there are a few things to be learned from Troll 2: never eat fruit or vegetables, if the house you’re staying in is haunted just switch bedrooms and you’ll be fine, if a movie is accepted worldwide as being the worst movie ever you don’t have to watch it just to make sure, and for God’s sake DON’T EAT THE GREEN JIZZ.
Now for the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for (the end), the winner of the Poopy Proclamation Prize!!! It goes to the dimwit boyfriend Elliot who, when surrounded by a room full of angry goblins, utters the magical phrase, “Please, let’s talk! We’re all humans here!”