So this shit flick is nearly 25 years old; get over it. When I took this glamorous gig I polled my friends (all three of them) on the worst horror movies ever, and not only did this masterfeces of semi-modern cinema receive numerous nominations, it’s readily available on Netflix. Considering I’m a lazy turd, and much like this movie I have absolutely no budget to work with (can’t be going all buck wild at Blockbuster on HorrorHomework.com’s dime… besides, my rental card was callously cut up in front of me years ago due to my inability to return soft porn on time, but that’s a tale for another day) it was an easy selection to make. Plus I discovered after sitting through this film that there’s a sequel to this shit show slated to hit theatres in 2013, and in 3D no less! And that, my friends, is what we call accidental relevance.
Before I even began watching this bowel-blasting Big Top bonanza, I got a good laugh out of the title. Killer Klowns, really? Changing the proper spelling of a word just so your run of the mill retard would pick up on the kompletely klever alliteration? Pfffffft. That’s desperation, right there.
Anyway, both of you that are still reading this probably want me to get to the pertinent poop: the movie. Unfortunately for you guys, I loved this film. With a craptastically catchy theme song (performed by The Dickies) and college kids walking around during the intro with cans of generically labeled “BEER” I knew from the first five minutes that this was going to be one of the more buoyant butt nuggets to emerge from the bowels of the 80s.
Oh yeah, the premise: So, some alien clowns land their spaceship in the middle of nowhere. Mike and Debbie (Grant Cramer and Suzanne Snyder), a young couple that are still far too old to be hanging out on a hilltop full of horny teenagers dubbed the “Top of the World,” happen to see the flash of light as it lands and decide that wandering aimlessly after a shooting star is more exciting than making out.
They come across what appears to be a circus tent in the middle of a damn field. In typical cheesy 80’s horror movie hero fashion, they go inside to check it out. Once inside “Circus Bizarro” they discover cotton candy cocoons containing corpses (or Kotton Kandy Kocoons Kontaining Korpses, if you’d prefer) of the Klowns’ earliest victims.
Inevitably they become targets of the Klowns, who are so stinking cute you just want to pinch their damn cheeks and hug their big bloated bellies. Seriously, this movie could probably cure Coulrophobia. Ruthless killers or not, these fuckers are adorable.
Of course, Mike and Debbie escape and run to the police for help. The town has all of two officers; the young Dave (John Allen Nelson), who happens to be Debbie’s still-hung-up-on-her ex-boyfriend, and Officer Mooney (John Vernon) who is more of the stereotypical-aging-alcoholic-on-a-power-trip-with-an-unnatural-hatred-for-all-things-youthful type.
On top of cotton candy cocoons, these clowns are armed with popcorn pistols and balloon animal tracking dogs—the last of which tragically gets hit by a car, and even my stoic ass couldn’t help but shed a tear for him. (Where the fuck Is Sarah McLachlan when you need her?)
The popcorn turns out to be more than just a delicious treat, they’re clown seedlings. And while we’re treated to Debbie’s obligatory shower scene the babies hatch, and you can see why this movie will be forever cemented in my little black heart (and lower G.I. tract).
Don’t worry; a shower head and ripped down curtain are adequate defenses against these toothy toddlers.
The sets for this movie may have been made from construction paper and Papier-mâché, but it has some of the best killing scenes ever. Puppet show death rays, shadow puppet people eaters, and death by cheesecake are just a few of the klever ways these klowns kill. What they lack on the pants-shittingly-scary scale they certainly make up in style.
The intergalactic jesters’ motive is finally revealed when one of the clowns sticks a crazy straw into a corpse cocoon and slurps up the blood juice of the victim inside, proving even ridiculous clown puppets are still more badass vampires than Twilight. I mean, it’s okay for vampires to twist balloon animals, spin cotton candy, juggle, and squirt water from fake lapel flowers; but they should never, EVER sparkle. Pffffffffffffft.
Anyway, the poor clowns’ weakness turns out to be their nose; as even the biggest, baddest Bozo among them is brought down by a slap on the sniffer with a flimsy police badge.
The movie’s close leaves us with many mysteries to ponder. How was Debbie able to survive for the half hour she must’ve been locked in that beach ball, if she wasn’t able to breathe inside? What became of all the popcorn seedlings strategically placed in dumpsters all over town, despite the destruction of the mother ship? Did Mike, Debbie, and Dave have a threesome while they were still covered in clown goo, or did Mike and Dave ditch Debbie and ride off into the sunset together? Hopefully the sequel will address some of these key issues.
Lastly, while this movie was jam packed with fecalicious zingers, Kimmy Karnage’s Kleverest Kwote Award goes to grumpy Officer Mooney for, “Well Whoop-de-goddamn-de-doo!”
GRADE: Fuckin’ A